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October 7th, 2011

classyfoodmofo: 5 signs you are a culinary dumbass »

1.) You add oil to the water when you boil pasta. People add oil to pasta water thinking it will keep the pasta from sticking. They think this because they are morons whose time would be better spent sitting on their couches, watching Jersey Shore reruns and drooling slightly. You know the thing about oil and water? They don’t fucking mix.So when you add it to a pot of boiling water, you know what it does? Not a goddamn thing. It sits on top of the boiling water taunting you. “What did you think I was going to do, asshole?” is among the many things it is thinking. When you drain the pasta, all that oil slips away, contributing nothing to your dish.

If you are planning on letting your pasta sit for any length of time before adding sauce, then you should add a generous splash of olive oil after you have drained it and moved it to a serving dish. Toss the noodles so they are coated with the oil and they will be less prone to sticking. Unlike your thought process.

2.) You use dried herbs when the recipe called for fresh ones. Sometimes, you get a recipe that calls for fresh rosemary or fresh basil or fresh thyme. And because you have the IQ of a toenail clipping, you reach for the dried stuff. You do this because it doesn’t occur to you that there is a reason the author specified fresh herbs. You assume it’s some Charles Dickens bullshit and he’s getting paid by the word, so he just stuck the word “fresh” in there to eke out another nickel. Well, you’re in for a rude fucking awakening when you take a bite of your dish and it tastes like the concept of oregano puked all over it.

Flavor-wise, there are two crucial difference between dried herbs and fresh ones. First, fresh herbs tend to have a brighter, cleaner taste because they are … you know, fresh. Second, (and this one is important, so sober up long enough to pay attention, dickhead) the strength of an herb’s flavor can be dramatically altered by drying. Herbs, like most living things, are made primarily of water. So when they’re dried and that water is removed, the flavor can become much more pungent. If a recipe calls for a tablespoon of fresh tarragon and you add a tablespoon of dried, the tarragon is likely to overwhelm the dish and the girl you’re trying to impress is not going to put out.

3.) You make random substitutions when baking. Baking, unlike cooking, is a very precise culinary technique. There’s a lot of actual sciencey-type shit going on. It’s one thing to substitute a white onion for a yellow one when you’re sautéing because that’s mostly a flavor differential. It’s quite another to substitute baking soda for baking powder because that will affect the volume of what you’re baking. If a recipe calls for white flour and you use wheat flour, guess what?! It’s not going to rise well (I’m sure you experience this in your bedroom all the time). Unless you know what you’re doing (and to be clear … you don’t), follow the recipe and measurements exactly.

4.) You crowd the pan. You dumb, dumb fuck. This is seriously one of the worst things you can do when you’re cooking. You’re browning meat or cooking vegetables and you just jam that shit in there, leaving no room for your ingredients to move. Christ, I fucking hate you. Look, when you apply heat to meats or vegetables, they will release water. The water will evaporate and become steam. If you’ve got too much in the pan, the steam can’t escape and it goes through your ingredients. In other words, you’re steaming the food. Steaming is a great way to cook a lot of things, but if you’re trying to brown some lovely pork chops, steam is your fucking enemy. And when you overcrowd the pan, you’re basically telling your enemy “Hey, let me give you a detailed list of our troop movements.” Those chops? They ain’t gonna brown. They’re going to steam and look terrible and not get that beautiful brown crust you’re going for. You’re a shitty human being and you should be shot.

5.) You don’t read the fucking recipe before you start cooking. Let me tell you something about my mom: she’s smarter than you. That shouldn’t come as a surprise … hell, my first dog is smarter than you and she’s dead. But one thing Mom always taught me about cooking was to always read the recipe - the entire recipe - before you even start gathering ingredients. Because you know what happens when you don’t read the recipe? You invite all your friends over to try the awesome flank steak recipe you just saw and you start cooking an hour before they arrive and you get to step 3. And you know what step 3 is? Marinate that bad boy overnight. Which your dumb ass can’t do because your friends are all about to come over. And when they come over, you’re going to serve them a tough, flavorless piece of meat that was not tenderized by the acids and oils in the marinade and was not flavored by the ingredients you should have marinated them in. And your friends are rightfully going to shun you for the rest of your life.

Dumbass.